What the Bible says about love deficits



Just as rejection attacks our standards, so lack of love towards us attacks our standing – ‘who I am is not good enough’.


In our secular society, love generally seems to be understood as a behavioral pattern that includes some form of sexual interaction. It is rapidly becoming less and less important as to whether that sexual interaction be between opposite genders, the same genders, or even humans with animals.

The human being is created by God to give and receive love. The tragic truth, however, is that the deep hungering to be loved is never satisfied through jumping into bed with someone. Every honest person will admit that sleeping around has not removed one ache of emptiness.


So what is this love that makes up God and which he has imaged into us?


In the Greek language (in which parts of the Bible were originally written) there are four separate and distinct words concerning love - agape, phileo, storgē and eros.

Agape - This is the commitment to seek the best for another no matter what the personal cost. Genders don't matter. This is the sort of love that would cause a soldier to lay down his life for his country. It does not depend on any feelings activating it; it comes from decisions of the will. It matters not the condition, status or closeness of the recipient. It is freely given without any expectation of return. Whether or not it is accepted or rejected, it is still simply given. God is love like this, and he commands and expects us to display the same love towards all humanity. John 15:13

Phileo - This is the intimate, yet totally non-sexual, friendship between two or more people. Genders don't matter. It is to be given and received. To fully enter into this type of relationship there has to be a very personal closeness with someone. It means that loyalties will stay and secrets be kept even when the ugly is revealed in a friend's character. It means, therefore, that we cannot enter into such a relationship with a very large number of people, we simply don't have the time to get to know large numbers of others this deeply. Romans 12:10 (brotherly love), 1 Thessalonians 4:9

Storgē - can be described as the security that comes from having a family to come home to at night. Ones with whom we can enjoy a meal, borrow some clothes from or share our money with. Genders don't matter. This is a relationship by blood. Again, there is no sexual involvement here. This relationship involves few people, maybe five or six, often less, sometimes more if grandparents or relatives are closely involved. Romans 12:10 (be devoted), Romans 1:31 (negative sense - heartless)

Eros - the receiving of sexual pleasure. Self-centred. Designed to be received from only one person and that within the boundaries of marriage. Genders definitely do matter. The Bible is crystal clear. Marriage is to be only between male and female. (This word is not specifically found in the New Testament) Proverbs 7:18 (negative sense), Mark 10:6-9

Do you see the pattern? Agape everyone selflessly. Phileo a reasonably small number through both giving and receiving. Storgē by birth with very few, again both giving and receiving. Eros only one person, within marriage, providing self-satisfaction only.


The problem.


There should be no doubt that God desires our best (agape). We only have to look at the cross of Jesus to see that. He also longs for our friendship (phileo), and will adopt us into the security of his family, through the blood of Jesus (storgē), if we will only let him. God is himself not involved in eros at all. Although he has most certainly made us to receive sexual pleasure, it is designed to result from the commitment of our marriage partner in the other three forms of love. The world system, of course, seeks to channel all forms of love into eros, knowing full well the dissatisfaction and emptiness that will result.

By the way, the church also has often missed the true meanings of love. Because of its inability to discern between phileo and eros, it has often cast both aside, resulting in countless lonely and rejected Christians wandering from church to church, not really sure what they hunger for, but somehow knowing that Christianity has to be better than what they currently endure.

The Bible teaches that God has placed us into a spiritual family when we were 'born again'. He becomes our Father. Indeed the threefold person of God is called Father, Son and Holy Spirit. God wants the Church family to mirror in the flesh what he has established in the spiritual. John 3:3, 1 Peter 1:3, Matthew 6:9, Ephesians 1:2-14 He has established the Church, to be a demonstration to the world of what complete pure love truly means. We read, for example, in John 13:35 (NLT) - “Your love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

Isn’t it sad how often we, as Christians, miss our calling. There is good news though!


Will you let God heal you?


God wants to, and can, do something about the pain. Psalms 103:13-14, Matthew 11:28

He has committed himself to be "...a Father of the fatherless" (Psalms 68:5) and has the power to heal our past wounds, disappointments and failures. He knows that pain doesn't vanish by willpower. He longs to heal the love deficits created within if only we will acknowledge them and allow his Holy Spirit to work in us. But we have to let him. He himself caused these pertinent words to be penned - "You can't heal a wound by saying it's not there!" (LB). Jeremiah 6:14 If we choose to ignore our deficits or pretend they don't exist then we remain as we are and they are by default passed on to those who come after us.

There are two prime ways by which love deficits can be healed. Neither one usually works to the exclusion of the other.

  1. The direct ministry of the Holy Spirit through another person. Romans 5:5, Titus 3:5

  2. The ongoing ministry of the Holy Spirit through the family of God - i.e. the Church. John 13:34, 1 John 4:11-12

Direct ministry can be powerful and effective, provided the one involved in doing the ministering is pure in attitude, sincere in love, and honourable in all physical contact. This is the sort of occasion where, through the laying on of hands, the Holy Spirit reaches deep into our memories and brings to the surface areas of hurt. They may be ones still festering in our conscious memories, or they may be those buried so deep that we have seemingly forgotten them. Forgotten or not, they are there and will continue to have an effect on our lives unless dealt with and healed.

Under the leadership and comfort of the Holy Spirit there are often floods of tears as healing takes place. Precious times indeed. (Please note that these times of ministry have nothing to do with any New Age counterfeits. God wants us to be child-like, not child-ish. There is a world of difference between these two forms of behaviour.) Matthew 18:3, 1 Corinthians 13:11

The ongoing ministry of the family of God is designed to bring healing at a much slower pace and generally over a long period of time. This ministry allows others to serve us with agape, phileo and storgē love. We gradually come into wholeness as we learn to trust again. Slowly we are able to do away with bitterness and anger by having true love made visible for us to recognize and receive. Thus are our fragile memories and emotions restored into the image of our Creator. Thus are we more able to reach out a nervous hand to our Father in Heaven who is as yet invisible, and receive his love toward us.

Like rejection, love deficits stir up and involve the Christian's three enemies - the flesh, world and devil.

As has already been stated, hurting people hurt people, and we are no exception to the rule. There are bound to come sinful reactions in response to our wounding - anger, bitterness, sexual promiscuity, mistrust, independence, and withdrawal - to name just a few. These reactions are sin, and need to be willingly faced and dealt with through repentance and maybe restitution. Acts 26:20, 1 John 1:8-10

Keep firmly in mind that we must forgive wherever we have been wounded. God has no place for sin, and he has no place for unforgivingness. If he can forgive us our lifetime of wickedness against him, then we can forgive the isolated incidences or even the few years of wickedness against us. Matthew 6:14-15

If the deficits are deep enough, demonic strongholds can be established within, and these need to be broken. We cannot expect to maintain healing if thieving demons are allowed to continue residence. They will foul territory as fast as it is cleansed, if not evicted. Matthew 6:13, Acts 8:22-23]], Ephesians 4:26


To summarize:


God is love.

He has made us in his image.

We are therefore created to give and receive love.

He desires to share his love with us, and to have us respond with love.
God has programmed into us four types of love:

  • Agape - selfless and towards everybody.
  • Phileo - close mutual friendships with only a few.
  • Storgē - the security of family life, only for those related by blood.
  • Eros - selfish and from only one, and that within marriage.

The Church is supposed to be the vehicle through which God displays his love to the world and to each other.

God uses the Holy Spirit to bring healing.

He works through others in the family of God.

We have to give God permission to heal us.

We have to deal appropriately with the flesh, world and devil.

It can be done.





This paper seeks to accurately represent the teachings of Holy Scriptures. You are free to copy or alter all or any part of this paper PROVIDED that the Holy Scriptures are not misrepresented as a result.